Herein contained is set down an excerpt from my private journals…er I mean Captain Alan Sloshbeard’s private journals.  Which I stole...er Found! Not mine Cause I’m not him, and I never was…have been…um.  Yours, The Pantsless Non-Pirate.

Hello journal,

Today I found myself in a right mess, there were wenches and goats and lots of rum.  There I was in the Rotted Plank Tavern, just off the coast of who knows where, when this dainty tavern wench caught my eye.  I being a man of the charming sort had her in my lap for a kiss and a tickle right away.  Not long after as the local men-at-arms were clubbing me over the head and dragging me away I learned that she wasn’t a tavern wench so much as the mayor’s favorite daughter.  So I found myself in the local jail with a prostitute, a smelly orphan whelp, and a goat.  I offered the lovely little harlot a fat sack of gold if she would scream like I was trying to kill her through the bars.  When the guards came running I swung the goat like a club knocking them both flat on their butts. I tossed the Goat through the window and jumped after it into the river, a goat will make a decent life raft in a pinch.  I as I made good my escape I noticed the odious little gutter snipe had followed me.  Away you wretch I said, but the obnoxious English street urchin just kept following. So I ducked into another tavern and let the bouncers send him packing.  I quickly got a room and had another wench draw me a bath, she joined me of course.  Then the men-at-arms burst through the door again.  I assumed, brilliantly of course, that they wouldn’t think I was stupid enough to stay in town and stop searching, which meant that the dirty orphan must have sold me out.  I tell you now journal the smelly whelp has made my list.  For lack of a better plan I tossed the naked wench at them and dove out another window.  They fell all over themselves trying to help the naked woman without actually touching her, works every time.  So with that I fled naked and dripping wet into the night, and lived to fight another day. 

With absolutely no embellishment, the total truth, I swear.

Captain Alan Sloshbeard.