Dead or Alive

 Captain Alan “The Pantsless Pirate” Sloshbeard. Formerly of the infamous pirate vessel Terrible Potatoe. Wanted for numerous and vile crimes against the Crown and the British Empire.  These crimes shall here be named: Piracy on the Baltic Sea, Smuggling, Dealing in black market goods, Sale of counterfeit merchandise, Attempted sale of a false mermaid, Illegal import of china dolls, Forgery, Sailing under false colors, Depravity, Desecration of a church, Public urination, Vandalism, Wanton heresy, Impersonation of a nun, Assault of a priest, Ransacking of a nunnery, Arson, Destruction of a holy site, Theft of sweets from children, Plundering of toys, Impersonating a lady of the court, Breaking beds and other royal furniture, Breaking of nobleman’s hearts, Theft of shoes including royal slippers, Spoiling royal mead, Poaching in royal pond, Theft of fish, Theft of cheese, Smuggling of contraband within stolen cheese, Theft of a merchant vessel, Theft of guns, Theft of shot, Theft of Powder, Theft of a longboat, Sinking stolen ship and goods minus one longboat,  Theft of the H.M.S. Hudsucker, Renaming a royal Naval vessel, Captaining the pirate vessel Terrible Potatoe, Misspelling Potato, Public drunkenness, Theft of pants, Public indecency, Starting illegal bonfire to burn stolen pants, Criminal wench tickling, Assault on lawmen, Misuse of a goat, Goat tossing, Prison break, Nude wench tossing, Consorting with the vile traitorous war criminal known as “Old Coughey,” Various other unconfirmed crimes of speculation and circumstance.